self.Loneliness().Reflect();

Ever since I started my degree in computer science, I’ve found connections between computing principles to the human mind. I like to think of the brain as a computer, just a kind that isn’t quite fully understood yet. All computers run on an operating system and execute different kinds of programs, but I believe that the brain doesn’t just run programs. We all have a different kind of ‘OS’ born from the variabilities in our genes. No two brains are alike, not even for identical twins with the same genetic code, so it’s not very useful to think of programs. Instead, it’s more interesting to think of functions.

In programming, functions are blocks of code that perform certain tasks that they are built to execute. Some may be simple like sorting things or counting them. Others more complex. What they have in common is their structure. There is a name given to each function, and they can take in a set of parameters, a set of information that is relevant for the function, and at the end it can return some other information to be used elsewhere. Here’s an example:

decision Hungry(context, money) {
    if (context != LUNCH_TIME) { return ignore; }
    else {
        if (money >= LUNCH_PRICE) {
            return getLunch;
        }
    }
}

I’m going to get grilled on my ‘code’ from coders, but it gets the point across. The Hungry function is called and takes into account the context and money at the time. If it’s not lunch time then it will ignore, else it will see if there is enough money and decide to go get lunch. From this little example, you can see how we might call these functions whenever we want to make a decision.

It’s not to say that people just run functions in a step-by-step sequence like programs do, but we do have patterns of processing that tend to act like functions. Of course, we take into account more than just time and money (or do we?). We can be in a certain emotional state, we might forget to eat, we could spend money we don’t have, be influenced by others. More importantly, we don’t just follow steps so cleanly like this, and if there was some kind of function for hunger that took everything into account it would probably be intractable because of how long it will take to compute them all!

Recently, I read a book called Loneliness about life-long research on the topic. There are certain patterns related to the feeling of loneliness. First off, loneliness is not about being alone. It is about feeling alone. That can mean a lot of things, but generally it is when we feel isolated, that we don’t fit in, or have difficulty connecting with those around us. And it hurts. It causes pain in our brains that overlap with physical pain from bumps and bruises. The part that is really interesting is that it makes us feel unsafe. This book talks about how humans, along with our primate ancestors, have evolved to be social. Some primates even get physically sick and vomit when they are rejected by their parents or kin. Being connected to others provides a safety net, a cushion from all the stresses of the world, and provides a greater chance of survival. In the modern world, more people live alone now than ever before. We have easy access to water, food, and shelter through the means of society, so we survive physically, but this growing isolating is costing us emotionally.

The function of loneliness is to make us want to connect, to feel the pain of distance, and prompt us to act on it. The research has shown that those who are lonely seem to be more tuned into the emotional states of others. They are more observant, as if they are seeking an opening to connect with others. Unfortunately, it also tends to skew our perspectives. Lonely people are more likely to discount good events that happen to them, and amplify the bad ones. This tends to make the lonely act in such a way that makes them difficult to connect with. This feeds back onto itself when other people can’t see past the awkwardness, the closed behaviour, and treat the lonely with more distance.

Physiologically, loneliness puts people in a constant state of stress. They no longer have their safety net, so it feels as if they are perpetually trying to stay afloat. In the short term, stress can be a good thing. It puts pressure on us to try to do something about it. We all get a little lonely at times. But when it is prolonged, the stress starts to literally wear down the person. Evidence suggests that loneliness can be as unhealthy as other epidemics like obesity and heart disease.

If we go back to that code up above, coding functions acts in steps and it always ends at some point (if it’s not broken). Human functions, on the other hand, don’t always have a clean ending. Someone brought up in isolation may feel lonely for the rest of their life even if they are surrounded by kind, caring people. We build on top of our base systems, the brains we were born with, through the experiences in our lives, and there is something about early childhood development that is very crucial for setting the foundation of how we respond for the rest of our lives. The kinds of functions people have are less clean cut, solid blocks of code, but rather blurry, mushy feelings that guide us for better or worse.

As I write this, I am trying to reflect on my own feelings around loneliness, and feeding it back into itself to help give myself a clearer picture yet it is never exactly clear. I have a relatively hard time getting close to people and tend to focus on something more detached items like a task for school or for work, maybe some news, or things happening in my life. I tend not to talk much about how I’m feeling about those things, especially if they might put me in a bad light. (I probably write because it feel safer not opening up to any specific person.) It hits me hard when I try to commit to people only to have it fall apart or not turn out as expected. This sense of feeling out of place is embedded within me, and it’s difficult to shake off. I like to think of myself as independent and that I like having my space, my alone time, which, while it is true at times, it isn’t quite all the satisfying. It’s great that I’ve grown and learned how to take care of myself without the need for having someone around all the time. But still, it can be lonely. There isn’t someone I can share most of my life with, or have something that will last into the future. I have friends I share parts of my life with that I appreciate very much, yet there is always some part of me that wonders when it will end. Some of it will inevitably end, like when they graduate or I graduate, or when people move on to different parts of their lives. It just all feels a little temporary to me.

Reading this book on loneliness made me realize that I may be partially lonely on a consistent level, that my loneliness function is still running and trying find a way to return to a different state. That’s not to say I don’t have things and people in my life that I’m grateful for. It just means that I haven’t exactly found my safety net. I’m still swimming around hoping to find an island I can settle on and make a home there. For those concerned, I definitely am not hopelessly lost. There are some floaties on my arms, and I’ve learned to be a decent swimmer. I can manage to stay afloat. Swimming can be tiring though, so I hope that I won’t be out here for too long. The stress of the loneliness is manageable, and sort of hums along from day to day. Sometimes I feel self-assured and confident in taking things on by myself, while at other times it would be nice to have someone around to help me out. It’s a wobbly feeling like trying to balance on one of those exercise balls, leaning one way then the other.

For now, I am cautiously optimistic. I’ve reached a point where it is alright being on my own, and sometimes even preferable. At the same time, I’m starting to become open to the prospect of dating again. I mean, I’ve tried ‘dating’ through apps with little progress, but I mean like really dating and trying to find someone to build a life with. It’s still hard to say who it is that I’m looking for. Does age matter? Do we have to share the same views, same interests? Do they have to be able to code? Whatever the situation ends up being, I think that I just have to be open to people that come in and out of my life, to keep a clear head and not skew things, and be willing to try to get close. Maybe it’s time to switch functions for a while.

self.Explore().Connect().Open();