The Frustrations of an Ugly Duckling
Yeah, yes you. You who never felt like you fit in. You who has no real career. You who has a tough time making close friends. You who is angry at themselves and almost everyone around them for not being able to understand who you really are. Because maybe there isn’t a place for you anywhere here.
Alright, that last part was a little bit too harsh. Let’s step back a bit.
Recently I broke up from a long-term relationship that lasted over a decade. For a while I was lost. That relationship was all I knew, and it was where I placed my bets as the foundation my life would stand on. Suddenly it was gone. Could I survive on my own? Yes, but simply taking care of myself left me with a hollow existence.
Over the summer when we decided to part ways, I spent most of my time playing guitar to sooth my soul and give me something to do. Went out to as many open mics as I could to keep myself moving. Eventually found a six person band to play with, and even played a small show, my debut. It was shaky, but I thought maybe this was the start of something new.
Nope.
The holiday season came around, practices stopped, and I was left to deal with my loneliness while everyone went back to their families, went out with their new girlfriends and boyfriends. This emptiness settled in and so did the depression that came with it. The pain of the breakup finally had the space to bubble up to the top. Nobody cared. I had nothing.
Over that same time I started to try dating apps to fill that void, and, oh boy, that was a mistake. No responses. The few meetings I had never went anywhere. With a quick research through Dr. Google I found out that Asian men are the least desired of all the men. Lucky me.
I was also working on a research project at the university hospital here. That gave me some sense of purpose, some sense of value. Yet at the same time the true colours started to show themselves as my office connections, or more like office awkwardness, slowly creeped in. My boss was more than supportive. She cared a lot about the project and even got me a gift, a travel mug to replace the one I had lost. She also works on the 4th floor, while I am on the 1st. When she wasn’t around to meet with me the only friend I had was the computer I was working on and the music that I played to myself.
I had always thought that there was something off about me. Something about me that didn’t quite fit in with those around me. I’m not a talented musician with any formal training. I’m not desired in the online dating world. I don’t seem to fit into the usual office culture. My ex was the one person I thought who understood me, yet it all ended just the same. In times like these people would usually rely on their families for support. Unfortunately for me that is where the root of my problems lie.
My family is of Chinese-Vietnamese background. My parents were refugees as a result from the Vietnam War. They built a life here and I eventually became a part of it. Slowly, but surely, I started to notice that somehow I was the ugly duckling of the family, the black sheep, the odd one out. In the early years it was hard to tell. Once I reached my teens I started to watch more exotic anime and delve deep into award-winning films. When I reached university I bought a guitar with earnings from my first part-time job, and my degree was in psychology and philosophy. Analyzing things, tackling existential questions, understanding how things worked at the fundamental level was at the core of who I was, and it started to bubble up to the surface. Counter to that my family liked to keep things simple. Money, food, clothes were standard gifts. Physical things were the primary means of communication. Conversation was sparse, and discussions non-existent.
One time, when my family visited me and my ex I took them out to a locally famous Asian style vegan restaurant. They took one step in, saw the white staff, and immediately left. Ironically, my dad was an Asian cook in a white restaurant. In high school, there was a teachers strike and I wholly believed that teachers had a right to risk their jobs to defend their position. My brother adamantly believed they had no choice but to work regardless of the situation. He is an accountant. Fitting. More recently, my birthday was coming up so I invited some friends and my family to have a picnic at the park, while my mom insisted on having another typical, boring dinner at some Chinese restaurant where I do nothing but sit there and wait for it to end. None of my family showed up.
When I finally told them that I had broken up, they all were upset why I didn’t tell them about what was happening. I knew that they would only make the situation worse, which they did. My brother decided at that time, of all the possible times, to talk about his own plans for moving out with his new girlfriend, years down the line no less, and how ‘us kids’ needed to support mom. I shook my head and reluctantly agreed. The whole thing ended with my brother disowning me and storming out. This was a week after I told them about my breakup.
So, what exactly happens to the ugly duckling? It realises that it was really a swan all along, that the family it was born into was not really its own, and that this swan becomes this superior being in comparison to the lowly duck. That’s a nice story. For me, I am born into a family where I don’t really evolve into anything else. I am stuck here in a place where I will never belong, yet am expected to fit in.
That is the story of my life thus far, but it is far from the ending. I’ve managed to find some friends who care about my existence, who enjoy spending time with me. I’m finding my place in the research world slowly. And I plan on going into grad school, where I might find other intellectual misfits like myself to geek out on ideas with. As for family, I hope to find a family of my own someday with a sweet and loving partner, a home filled with conversation and understanding, a place where everyone belongs no matter who they are. Whether I’ll get there, who knows, but I’m pretty sure dating apps are not the way to get there…yikes!
