The Key to Freedom
One of my favourite series on Netflix is Chef’s Table. It delves into the stories of top, high-end chefs and their journeys that lead them to where they are. It spins elaborate tales of the origins of their dishes. It details their passionate obsession for their craft. They dive in deep within themselves, their history, their culture, and their local surroundings to feed the inspiration behind their food dreams.
Many of the stories revolve around people taking their culinary journey in a far away land (usually France) before returning home, being pulled by a force they can’t ignore. They tended to feel trapped in their small towns after experiencing the greater world. Their efforts to bring culture into their restricted worlds were often filled with resistance and struggle. There was a massive struggle along the way. Yet they persisted. They adapted. Found a new way to integrate into their surroundings, to utilize the people and the land, the resources that were available to them there and construct a novel blend of the local and the global. They used what they had and found the room do what they wanted.
Freedom is a very tenuous word. People like to bind it to the battles they fight as a kind of overarching, universal generalization of what is right. It is used as justification to discriminate against others and defend their own side. The loss of freedom is attributed to anything from wealth, to territory, to skin colour, sexual orientation, and political stance. It is the thing that so many awant most, and are the most afraid of losing.
When I finished university the first time around, I wasn’t really sure what to do with myself. I knew I needed to find a job of some kind, so I simply found what I could. Work was alright, but I wasn’t really satisfied working in retail all the time. I felt like things could be run differently, it could be improved, yet there was no room to change anything. I had no power. I felt trapped. Out of that frustration, I started delving into artistic projects on the side. Wrote songs, learned to record, wrote stories, got into photography, dreamt of making a movie. It was in the form of expression that I had some freedom. Yet even that eventually reached a ceiling. None of it was really good enough to push forward. Some things I would post here and there half-heartedly hoping someone might like it, but honestly I was afraid that it wasn’t really any good anyway. I continued this cycle of moving from job to job, project to project, never breaking out for a full decade.
Recently a friend from school asked me about freelancing. He’s very much the type to throw theoretical questions out there as a way to gather information, insight into next steps. I could see that same struggle I had back then when I was confronted with the fact that school would be ending. K-12. Four years in university. Step by step, linked together as a chain, and now the end is approaching without a clear view of what’s ahead. I tried to explain how I used to wish I didn’t have a boss, that I could control my own destiny, but, in the end, this fantasy won’t guarantee the freedom that he was probably seeking. I’ve delved into that realm and came back with a sobering lesson. That every avenue has its limits.
Freelancing means you have to sell yourself, that your paychecks depend on your contracts, that you have to deal with your finances, legal work, and negotiate for yourself. What I liked was the freedom to create, but all of this extra work took up more effort and time and left even less room to create. I’ve listened to and spoken with various entrepreneurs over the last year to help me validate whether a startup was a good idea, and the one thing that stands out the most is the level of dedication and struggle. They worked twice as many hours on their business than the job they quit. They worked full-time jobs while building their business, or spent every waking day for years making sure they don’t sink. Their work was their life. It made me realize it wasn’t for me. At the same time, though I considered all of this work constricting, they found a sense of freedom in it. They owned their decisions, and the pressure pushed them to grow. They built a place for themselves in a crowded world.
Over the past year, I was lucky enough to work on a research project making an app. There are some tight deadlines. There was pressure to do everything on my own with no help. I had to sit at a computer all day staring at code while still balancing the coursework from school. And I loved doing it. I liked working on the code in between my classes and on weekends. I liked having to plan things out and having meetings to discuss them. I even liked handling important emails. For the first time in my life, work felt engaging and I felt free to tackle each challenge in the way I see fit. I still have a boss. She’s amazing, hardworking, and treats me as an partner in the whole project. I still have a job to do, deadlines to meet, people to be accountable for, yet it was freeing. It freed me from the mundane world that I had before. It freed me from the boredom and the feeling that my time wasn’t valuable and wasted. Sure, I do get a bit more financial freedom too, but when I started I was making less than minimum wage, yet it was worth my time then as it is now.
The need for freedom is closely tied to the feeling of loneliness. Loneliness doesn’t necessarily mean isolation. We feel lonely when we feel like we aren’t heard or valued, when there isn’t someone who is there for you, to share your perspectives. I think that the fear of being trapped stems from the pain of loneliness. Many jobs feel like a necessity rather than a choice. My retail experience fit this model. But even middle-class jobs can seem like a burden. That it’s needed to raise a family, to uphold a lifestyle, as a way to avoid being poor, but more importantly it serves as a lifeline to stay connected with others. We put pressure on one another to have this kind of wedding, that kind of house, nice cars, vacations, and we also subconsciously submit to those pressures. It might provide some release, some freedom through the freedom to purchase, yet it is all temporary until the next big purchase is needed to get that feeling back. That feeling of loneliness, of feeling left out, undervalued, and unheard never really went away.
The key to freedom really lies in a different place. Freedom is rooted within how we treat one another and how we treat ourselves.
Work can often make us feel disconnected and powerless. Schools can feel isolating for those who don’t fit the established educational model. Families may not talk to one another about the pressures they are facing. Friends and partners may not feel like they can be truly open with one another. In general, as an individualistic society we have trouble asking for help when we need it, and have trouble giving help others need. We should all take care of our own, on our own.
At the personal level, we place pressure on ourselves by comparing with others and never being satisfied with where we are. Certainly it is tough being in a lower economic bracket. I’ve lived that personally and am still technically there as a student. Yet I’ve learned that there is a sense of freedom in controlling the situation you’re currently in and making the most of it, rather than to constantly struggle against some force you have no control over.
There is freedom in acceptance, as there are restrictions in dreaming. The dream of freedom can, paradoxically, be a trap. Sometimes it is better to look deeper rather than broader to find the space that you need. The way I like to imagine my life and the lives of others is as a web, connections between all the different aspects of our lives. Our family, friends, partner, work, school, religion, government, culture, economy. What we want to do is to pull on those threads when they start to feel constricting. We are pulled in all directions with nowhere to move. That only serves to aggravate the situation when everyone else starts to pull back. Instead, the better option is to get some slack, to move towards others and help one another, so that we can all start to have some room to move again.
I’ve learned to try a bit harder to put myself out there and listen to the needs of others to try to help them out. I’ve also learned to make the most of my situation and place the right amount of pressure on myself, to forgive myself for the little things (sometimes the bigger things), and learn to prioritize what’s actually important, my connections with others.
There is still a part of me that wants to try a startup. There’s a part of me that wishes my connections felt less temporary. It would be amazing to build a successful startup and having a loving partner to share it with along the way. Despite not being ideal, I appreciate the friends that I’ve met, the people I work with, the opportunities that have opened up for me, and will continue to reach out into the community and try to connect more threads. I’m still afraid that one day I’ll get bored, or overworked, or lose the threads that have been built so far, and that’s okay. I have some sense of freedom to explore, people to have fun with, and, if it comes down to it, people to ask for help.
Every path has its own opportunities and constraints. What can seem like a prison to one person can be a place of salvation for another. It is the connections we make and the space it provides to express yourself that make us feel less tied down. Know that the prison is not always what is out there, but sometimes what is inside. Choose wisely.
